So you still haven't written - big surprise - but Wendy says you're doing OK, which is cool. I've been wanting to tell you about this strange guy I met 3 weeks ago. No, we're not fucking, get your mind out of the gutter, perv. He's not even gay, I don't think - in fact, his vibe is kinda weirdly asexual. His name is Brian Lackey. He lives in Little River and, like yours truly, attends Hutchinson Loser Community College...

So anyways, the day you left, your mom and I found him literally on your doorstep, looking for you. He says you and him played Little League together like 10 years ago. He was the worst player on the team, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah... He's full of questions about you. But, of course, I haven't told him much, i.e. about your "line of work". I did say you were queer like me, only 'cause I figured you wouldn't care.

But now, are you ready for the good part? He thinks that when you and him were little, you were both abducted and examined by space aliens. How brilliant is that? But he was completely serious when he told me this. Like you should've seen the look in his eyes. So, what's the story, dude? Were you abducted by a UFO or what?

P.S. - Are your crabs gone yet?